Me Me Me

I wonder how many girls my age are feeling like they don't know themselves or maybe like they are just getting to know themselves. I am going to be 27 this year and I am just starting to really get to know me. I don't know how or when I will feel content or if that can ever happen but I do know that once I hit my 20's I started to realize that this person I thought I had become, through careful thought and planning, wasn't necessarily who I was meant to be. I have always thought of myself as different. Never really fitting in with anyone around me but always having at least one person around I could connect with on some level. I have always had a set of beliefs and morals and opinions about how life should be. It was so different from my disfunctional family that I had no reason to think there was anything wrong with how I viewed the world. It wasn't until I was married with children that I started to realize that life changes when u become an adult and not just your surroundings that change but who u are really changes. It can be really confusing for some girls who haven't had any normal or healthy role models. I knew a few people I thought were fairly normal and tried to live their lives right but no one who I really thought had all the answers. I have searched so long for someone who could give me answers. How can I be happy. How do I become a better mom, wife, friend? How can I be closer to God? How can I be sure that what I believe of God is true. How do I keep healthy relationships with people who think and believe so differently than I do, without judging them and without being hurt if they judge me.
I still don't know those answers but here's what I've come up with for now.
I don't want to waste my life trying to be what everyone wants me to be. Living where someone thinks I should live. Going after what someone thinks I should go after, believing what someone else thinks is the truth, loving the things that someone else loves. I have to learn that even when someone else seems to have all the answers doesn't mean they do. And if they have some of the answers that doesn't mean their answers should be my answers.
I want to be confident in the choices I make and not hear other peoples opinions in my head as I'm thinking about what choice to make. I am an adult aren't I entitled to that at my age? My husband should be the only person allowed to give me advice without me asking for it.
When I am thinking of what choices I should make, I first think of how God would see it and then how my husband would see it and then how it will affect my children and that I think is all that should matter.
So why is it that I still feel bad when I don't do what other people want me to do and how do I break the cycle?

Someday if people actually see my blog maybe u could answer and let me know if u know what I mean and if u have gone through a "finding yourself phase"


Well to change this to a more happy mood I would like to share that I have started to find some of my own passions and tap into my creative side.
I've wanted to learn so many crafty things for so long and I am finally starting to.
Last year I went out and bought a book to teach myself to crochet and knit and also a bunch of yarn and hooks and I didn't get too far I have to admit. I did get far enough to see that I love it! If it takes me a few years to finish a project then so be it! I love the feeling I get when I am creating something! Even though it may end up looking like just an ordinary scarf or blanket. Still it's something that I made with my own hands.
More recently, my husband bought me a sewing machine. After months of begging! I think it was finally the right time though because I now have someone (my new and very crafty friend Sally) to teach me how to use it! So far I've started and am now almost finished with a purse that is going to be sooo cute! I actually stay awake at night dreaming of what I can make. So when I get back to Oregon I think I will start some pillows and a quilt and then my next passion to pursue is pottery.
I took pottery in Highschool and Middle school but never really made anything great but now I think about it all the time. I want to make my own dishes and paint them maybe create some decor for my house. I can't wait!
I'd also love to find some old furniture pieces and bringing new life into them.
Also I would love to do some painting. Nothing that would be hung in a gallery or anything but ya know one of those do it yourself painting projects like on Design on a Dime.
Incase u haven't seen on my profile, some of my other passions are Singing, making music, writing poetry, doing make-up, and cooking. Some of those things have been on the back burner for a little while but I know eventually when the kids are a little older I'll learn how to fit it all in.
Anyway these are just some things about me that I'm learning. This is why I call myself an artist. Not that I think I am talented but because everything that interests me is some form of art.
Boy I really changed the tone here didn't I? Time for me to get to bed before I start on some other subject!